hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
