saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone came in the potted fern
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
