i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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