i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
