I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
