so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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