she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
