ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
