I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize