Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i think i scared a bird with my dick
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
