Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
