Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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