i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
