if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
