I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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