At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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