It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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