so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
