Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
