I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
