I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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