you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
