The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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