i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
