Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
