and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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