I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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