She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
