it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
When did angry sex become our thing?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
