you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
