Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
