I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize