I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
bring money and cleavage
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
