Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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