the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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