WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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