do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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