I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
