and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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