please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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