You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
