I wanna bring you to show and tell
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
