Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
