found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
