He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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