Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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