please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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