Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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