mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
