Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
