You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
