I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
