laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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