dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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