ugly people sure do ruin things
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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